A Prayer for Atheists & Devil Worshipers

As Magus Peter H. Gilmore explains in The Satanic Scriptures, Satanism's current watchword is: Justice.

As it turns out, it goes both ways: a Justice can watch words. Bear with me.

Yesterday, the United States Supreme Court debated the issue of prayers at town board meetings. Normally, this would be of interest exclusively as a matter of separation of church and state. That principle is always significant, and has special implications for Satanists. But, in this exchange, what caught my ear was the conspicuous absence of the very term "Satanist."

Justice Samuel Alito asked for an example of a town hall prayer that would be acceptable to an assortment of religions, including, among others, Christians, Buddhists, and Wiccans. Justice Antonin Scalia, playing Devil's advocate, added atheists and devil worshipers to the list. Despite the laughter in the courtroom, this successfully illustrated that it would still be insufficiently inclusive to address town hall prayers to a generic "almighty."

Getting to my point: Scalia mentions "atheists" on the one hand and "devil worshipers" on the other. Phew! Living up to his title, the Justice did not drag Satanists into this. Since we're already covered by "atheists," Scalia's use of "devil-worshipers" in this case introduces a welcome specificity that doesn't risk conflating Satanism and, lehavdl, devil worship.

It seems like an almost deliberate choice. After all, public figures usually love the word "Satanist." It's even the more efficient choice, being two syllables shorter! But the Justice put in about 66.6 percent more effort, resulting in a much clearer argument that kept Satanism out of the whole mess.

Perhaps I'm more pleased than I should be. The truth is, most people probably still don't know that Satanists are atheists. Nonetheless, this vocabulary-obsessed Satanist was excited to hear a legislator managing not to use "Satanists" and "prayer" in the same breath. (Oops!) I'm very happy to be thrown in with the atheists and not mentioned by name, because the last thing Satanism needs is another ignorant association with theism.

This isn't exactly the answer to our – ahem. Even so, on some level, I think that this little moment demonstrates the potential for public discourse to approach Satanism in a more informed manner. But at the very least, as long as they aren't using our word, they aren't misusing it.

Amen!

Nose Bubbles and Rado Echoes

In observance of April Fool’s Day, I am sharing photographs of rare novelties from my collection. These are particularly interesting because they are featured prominently in the work of Anton Szandor LaVey.

LaVey found great wisdom where others have found mere amusement, little of interest or, in many cases, nothing at all. This is the true occult. One especially overlooked area of this realm of hidden meaning is that of the prank.

Often perpetrated against innocent friends and acquaintances, pranks are treated differently within Satanism. As LaVey said more than once, it is far more fulfilling to employ unpleasant surprises toward the balancing of egos and as a form of humorous revenge. He also discussed more than one specific gag, including a couple from the old Johnson Smith & Co. Catalogue, which is featured in the Church of Satan’s recommended reading list. LaVey called it his Necronomicon.

♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦

THE SNEEZE-O-BUBBLE

♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦

On the dedication page of The Devil’s Notebook, LaVey mentions the inventor(s) of the Sneeze-O-Bubble. In Satan Speaks!, he dedicates an essay to the artful use of a rubber “nose bubble.” I have always deeply enjoyed that essay, and it has seemed to me that its subject is none other than that enigmatic Sneeze-O-Bubble.

I had the good fortune of finding this incredibly rare gag on eBay. It is a set of four bubbles, and they appear to be made of blown glass. Perhaps this is an earlier version of LaVey’s nose bubble. Either way, it is one of my most cherished possessions. I took some time to photograph it for both my own pleasure and this blog.

This is the top of the Sneeze-O-Bubble box. In the background is an open copy of the 1941 Johnson Smith & Co. Catalogue.

Opening the magnificently decorated box, one reveals the faux mucus globules and, nestled beneath them, a pink instruction sheet.

And here are the legendary bubbles themselves. What schnozzes have these delicate baubles graced in eras past? Though crystal-clear, these replicas of inflated snot are among the most mysterious relics in all Americana.

Click for a closer look!

But what good are nose bubbles if you don’t know how to use them? Study this sheet, stick a few Sneeze-O-Bubbles in your jacket pocket, and you’ll be good and ready for that next cocktail party or family gathering. Again, you should also read (or re-read) LaVey’s excellent tips and scenarios for artificial snot in “The Nose Bubble,” from Satan Speaks!

♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦

THE RADO ECHO VOICE-TESTER

♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦

Another sacred object I have managed to acquire is the Rado Echo Voice-Tester, which LaVey discussed in the documentary Speak of the Devil. This cruel device conceals a particularly nasty surprise. To learn more about it, see the film. It is chock-full of wisdom, including an entire segment about “practical” jokes. That’s where you’ll find an anecdote about this wicked little item.

This is the face of the “voice-tester.” The box is made of cardboard, and the old-fashioned “speaker” is made of cloth.

Here, you can clearly see the tester’s wooden button. Anyone who has seen Speak of the Devil knows what it does. Even if you haven’t, I’m sure that you get the point.

♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦

Enjoy an impish April Fool’s Day, my mischievous readers! And remember: it’s funnier when they deserve it!

Thoughts on Crime and Justice Nine Years After 9/11

Today, during the hours just before dawn, I reflected upon the perennial troubles facing the society in which I live, as well as the forces that keep them in check.

I had just finished watching a film that explored, among other issues, some of the most vile behaviors to be found on the worst urban streets. The specifics are not as important as the overall reminder that there are always individuals and groups plotting to infringe upon the freedoms of others. Of course, one need not watch a movie to be reminded of this, but it certainly can stir the blood.

Whether it is a crack-addicted thief robbing someone else's home, Al Qaeda fanatics committing wholesale kamikaze murders, or any other shade of intrusive crime, I am always infuriated when I learn that yet another life has been adversely or lethally impacted by such actions. This is a common reaction amongst Satanists, despite peskily persistent claims to the contrary.

Satanism advocates Justice. In fact, that is the current watchword of the Church of Satan, which fully supports the noble efforts of military and law enforcement agencies that fight for personal freedoms and against the criminals who curtail them.

It is with this universal meditation that I consider the significance of 9/11, nine years after the infamous attacks.

My thoughts are, as always, with those who have lost loved ones at the hands of criminals and enemy combatants.

My gratitude is, as always, with those who have been, and are still, fighting against the enemies of our liberties.

Lex Talionis!

The Michael Vick Project: Dog-Fights and Crocodile-Tears

"Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!"

- the 7th Satanic Statement

"Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food."

-the 10th Satanic Rule of the Earth

Disgraced football player Michael Vick now has his own "reality show," titled The Michael Vick Project. As many of you may know, he served eighteen months in prison for running a massive dog-fighting ring. The owner of "Bad Newz Kennel," he was also an active participant in the criminal operation, helping to kill dogs whom were no longer able to fight.

Vick is claiming that, since his exposure to this activity as a child, he had seen nothing wrong with it, but now feels remorse. I think that all he regrets is being caught, and that any sick feeling he gets from revisiting his despicable actions is rooted in this unprincipled regret.

Even if Vick is genuinely sorry for his wretched crimes, his claim to ignorance does not make him at all innocent. For someone to be unaware of how terribly wrong dog-fighting is, he must be either a vile brute or a murderous cretin. Neither is worthy of the freedoms earned through responsible engagement with civilization.

I thank the Church of Satan Witch who made me aware of this outrageous program. She takes care of shelter animals every day with a warm strength that I and other Satanists deeply admire. Like this Witch, I strongly oppose the airing of a show dedicated to someone with a long history of torturing and murdering dogs.

I just hope that, at the very least, this show will make this widespread but underexposed problem more visible and lead to swifter justice in other cases of animal abuse.