On the Definition of Satanism

Three Devil-worshippers walk into a desecrated church ― stop me if you’ve heard this one. They light candles, burn incense, and, much to their surprise, they successfully summon Satan! When they bow down to worship His Infernal Majesty, He says, “Haven’t I taught you anything?!”

Satanism is not Devil-worship. No matter how often we restate this, misunderstandings persist.

But that’s no surprise.

Anton Szandor LaVey codified this religious philosophy under a name that, while accurate, had hitherto been used almost exclusively as a religio-political slur against assorted heretics, freethinkers, and pagans.

This nomenclature has parallels to the term “Impressionism,” which was first used as an insult against a pioneering approach to painting in the late 19th century. Since it was basically accurate, this pejorative was adopted as the most suitable name for a movement that eventually became “respectable.”

But Satanism is far more controversial than the pastel Luciferianism of the Impressionists, and the history of slander against it spans millennia.

And yet, with the founding of the Church of Satan in 1966, Satanism transubstantiated from a scandalous accusation into an unconventional means of self-realization.

In The Satanic Bible, LaVey rhetorically asks whether Devil-worshippers are “practicing Satanism in its truest sense.” He points out that previous definitions of Satanism were merely Christian propaganda, whereas he is expressing “Satanic thought from a truly Satanic point of view.”

Unlike its theoretical caricature, genuine Satanism evolved from atheism. After all, the mythological Satan doesn’t worship any gods above Himself. Neither do we. Every Satanist is his or her own god. You can’t get more Satanic than that!

LaVey’s unprecedented formulation organically integrates the full spectrum of the Satanic, from traditional ritual trappings to literary predecessors to previously unidentified strains of cultural resonance.

With LaVey came the first definition of Satanism that is truly Satanic, through and through. It is a comprehensively sound work of conceptual architecture. Each and every element is integral to all the others. Even so, the resulting structure allows for infinitely varied elaboration in accordance with the idiosyncratic passions of each individual Satanist.

Satanism is not a faith, but an augmentation.

Satanism applies the principles that define the very nature of Devils: the rejection of external gods, the embrace of carnality, and a stance of honest individualism.

Again: Satanists do not worship Satan. Rather, we emulate that mythological figure’s most productive qualities, rejecting the rest as anti-carnal propaganda.

This very act of defining Satanism, and correcting its misrepresentation, is a Satanic act unto itself. Ours is the most accurate definition, and quite naturally resisted by many who subscribe to an un-Satanic worldview. They simply cannot grasp what comes so naturally to us. And we cannot afford to forget that, lest we commit the sin of solipsism.

We insist upon this differentiation between Satanism and Devil-worship, pushing back against endless misunderstandings, because these efforts sustain the religious philosophy that enriches our lives beyond measure. On a personal level, I would like to give others a chance to experience the unexpected exhilaration of self-discovery that I enjoyed at age thirteen.

As Magister Nemo writes in “Satanism Needs an Enema!”: “The Satanic movement is ideas. The wrong ideas can kill what is truly Satanic in our efforts and leave us just another mindless cult.” If an already Satanic individual comes across too much misinformation before rejecting Satanism altogether, we will have lost the full emergence of a remarkably inspiring peer.

So, if we reject the supernatural definition of Satanism, why do we use the name? LaVey admits in The Satanic Bible that “they” named our religion. But, being anti-Satanic, most religionists interpret Satanism through the lens of their own mythological prejudices. Yet the hegemony of spiritual religions has, through the course of human history, solidly established the groundwork of what is considered Satanic. This provides a context for us that could be alienating, but which we adapt toward our own stimulation. The only problem is that they have also projected their own faith-clouded ideas into their conceptions of Satanism, thus accusing us of their own compulsive fantasies.

And so it is up to us, as Satanists, to continue asserting the definition of Satanism ― from a truly Satanic point of view.

Nose Bubbles and Rado Echoes

In observance of April Fool’s Day, I am sharing photographs of rare novelties from my collection. These are particularly interesting because they are featured prominently in the work of Anton Szandor LaVey.

LaVey found great wisdom where others have found mere amusement, little of interest or, in many cases, nothing at all. This is the true occult. One especially overlooked area of this realm of hidden meaning is that of the prank.

Often perpetrated against innocent friends and acquaintances, pranks are treated differently within Satanism. As LaVey said more than once, it is far more fulfilling to employ unpleasant surprises toward the balancing of egos and as a form of humorous revenge. He also discussed more than one specific gag, including a couple from the old Johnson Smith & Co. Catalogue, which is featured in the Church of Satan’s recommended reading list. LaVey called it his Necronomicon.

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THE SNEEZE-O-BUBBLE

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On the dedication page of The Devil’s Notebook, LaVey mentions the inventor(s) of the Sneeze-O-Bubble. In Satan Speaks!, he dedicates an essay to the artful use of a rubber “nose bubble.” I have always deeply enjoyed that essay, and it has seemed to me that its subject is none other than that enigmatic Sneeze-O-Bubble.

I had the good fortune of finding this incredibly rare gag on eBay. It is a set of four bubbles, and they appear to be made of blown glass. Perhaps this is an earlier version of LaVey’s nose bubble. Either way, it is one of my most cherished possessions. I took some time to photograph it for both my own pleasure and this blog.

This is the top of the Sneeze-O-Bubble box. In the background is an open copy of the 1941 Johnson Smith & Co. Catalogue.

Opening the magnificently decorated box, one reveals the faux mucus globules and, nestled beneath them, a pink instruction sheet.

And here are the legendary bubbles themselves. What schnozzes have these delicate baubles graced in eras past? Though crystal-clear, these replicas of inflated snot are among the most mysterious relics in all Americana.

Click for a closer look!

But what good are nose bubbles if you don’t know how to use them? Study this sheet, stick a few Sneeze-O-Bubbles in your jacket pocket, and you’ll be good and ready for that next cocktail party or family gathering. Again, you should also read (or re-read) LaVey’s excellent tips and scenarios for artificial snot in “The Nose Bubble,” from Satan Speaks!

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THE RADO ECHO VOICE-TESTER

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Another sacred object I have managed to acquire is the Rado Echo Voice-Tester, which LaVey discussed in the documentary Speak of the Devil. This cruel device conceals a particularly nasty surprise. To learn more about it, see the film. It is chock-full of wisdom, including an entire segment about “practical” jokes. That’s where you’ll find an anecdote about this wicked little item.

This is the face of the “voice-tester.” The box is made of cardboard, and the old-fashioned “speaker” is made of cloth.

Here, you can clearly see the tester’s wooden button. Anyone who has seen Speak of the Devil knows what it does. Even if you haven’t, I’m sure that you get the point.

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Enjoy an impish April Fool’s Day, my mischievous readers! And remember: it’s funnier when they deserve it!

Why the Devil Loves Pee-Wee Herman

[A note to non-Satanists: Before reading this, please understand that Pee-Wee and his creator are not preaching Satanism. This is a highly personal interpretation of the character and his world. It is not to be understood as anything else. Pee-Wee has endured enough scandal already!]

Earlier this month, under the dark of the moon, in a chamber nestled among the Luciferian lights of Broadway, I attended a magical ritual. It was conducted by a sorcerer who has been an indirect mentor to me since my childhood.

This ritual was none other than The Pee-Wee Herman Show.

  

It might not be terribly obvious, but Pee-Wee Herman embodies several principles that resonate deeply with elements of Satanism.

Those new to Satanism may want to read the Church of Satan Informational Pack, along with other literature, to better grasp some of this. But for the most part, it should be self-explanatory.

Pee-Wee Herman is a staunch individualist. He is immune from any possibility of being changed by anyone outside of himself. Such is his strength of will that, if there is to be change, it will be in the people and objects around him! This can be seen most clearly in his Playhouse.

Pee-Wee's Playhouse is a total environment. He has surrounded himself with imagery, companions, and activities that stimulate, satisfy, and express his ego. It is his sanctuary and, at times, his ritual chamber.

It is also significant that, aside from a few human visitors, Pee-Wee’s primary companions are what would normally be inanimate objects. Through either technology or imagination, most of the items in his world are animated, or even alive. Though some are more anthropomorphic than others, all of these objects serve as Pee-Wee's artificial human companions.

This unique environment is shaped by Pee-Wee’s profound capacity for evocation, which is a key principle at the often-misunderstood heart of Satanism.

Adding to this energy is "the secret word" that, from day to day, tautens the Playhouse's atmosphere with its explosive potential. Secrets are powerful, and this one never fails to unleash a confounding outburst of prankish cacophony.

If you’ve ever seen Pee-Wee on stage, you know how many dirty jokes he and his friends tell. Though distasteful to prudes, these are simply a mischievous celebration of carnality. This is, of course, essential to any truly good life — unless one’s particular fetishes encourage a rare inclination to the contrary!

It's not just the dirty jokes that are so diabolically delightful, though. If, as Baudelaire said, "Laughter is Satanic," then Pee-Wee surely ranks highly among the devils of mythology!

The final major Satanic element of Pee-Wee’s world is more overtly related to magic and ritual. Jambi, a genie (djinn) who lives in a trapezoidal box, is the most traditionally magical part of this environment. He grants wishes, inviting others to join him in a chant that, though it may be gibberish, is given meaning through its esoteric implications. These otherwise nonsensical words are, by their very association with magic, used to heighten emotions for the purpose of projecting and manifesting the wisher's will.

Pee-Wee’s stage show also imparts two more significant magical lessons, which the perceptive can identify without my specifying them and spoiling the plot. The first is that, if one uses magic to bestow a blessing upon another person, this must be done with absolute certainty that success would not bring unhappiness to him or herself; otherwise, it may backfire. The second lesson is that one should not waste magical efforts on anything that could be better achieved through more direct means.

As with just about anything, the ultimate relevance of Pee-Wee Herman to Satanism is as varied as Satanists themselves. This is just a basic survey of themes of general interest to Satanists, at least a few of whom are some of Pee-Wee's biggest fans.

Hail Pee-Wee!

Hail Satan!

Johnson Smith & Co. and the Meaning of April Fool's Day

Today is April Fool's Day, an informal holiday devoted to pranks. Many people will burst into guffaws as victims fall prey to obligatory, yet unpleasantly surprising, deceptions. However, few will consider the historical and philosophical context of their "practical jokes.".

One of the most sacred texts for the prankologist is the Johnson Smith & Co. Catalogue of Surprising Novelties, Puzzles, Tricks, Joke Goods, Useful Articles, Etc. Highly recommended by the most discerning cognoscenti, including Anton Szandor LaVey, this catalog is a cornucopia of... well, the title says it all! The catalog offers gags intended to amuse, confuse, or alarm their victims. Some are even designed to inflict physical harm.

This industry flourished during the first half of the 20th century, when the best editions of the catalog were printed. It survives today as Things You Never Knew Existed... I deeply enjoyed reading this later incarnation during the early 1990s, when I was around ten years old. However, it lacks the charm and abundance of the original. But I digress.

LaVey pointed to the pranks sold by Johnson Smith & Co. as evidence that humans are, to some degree, inherently sadistic. How else could a company profit from selling these embarrassing, sometimes painful devices?

LaVey suggested ways in which one might put this cruelty to good use. The primary approach would be to take a deserving enemy down a peg. Why throw a curse when you can throw a prank? The latter is usually more fun! He also shared methods of manipulating others by making oneself look absurd, the results being far more revealing than any pair of so-called X-ray goggles.

With all of the above in mind, I encourage pranksters to deploy their arsenals wisely. You might want to avoid committing undue mischief against your friends today. Instead, aim your pies at the faces of your enemies.

"After all, a joke or a trick is really not much fun, I feel, unless it is perpetrated upon someone who is deserving, or who is going to be deflated by it."

-Anton Szandor LaVey, Speak of the Devil